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moving on

Posted on 2014.06.06 at 10:40
Its been a good 3 years, with ups and downs. Mostly ups.
I guess, when you have someone there to share the downs with you, its mostly ups.

Sad to say, good things dont last forever.
Over the past years, many have come and gone.
i have picked up my bag and gone on without opening up till 3 years ago.
Today, i dont want to close up my heart.

Its not supposed to feel the same way as a breakup.
because friends are supposed to last forever.

SO why do i feel so lonely now?
because i am too over invested in this friendship. which is really wrong.

had a long 5 hour talk with Jehanne, and she said i need to start living.
like not treat this friendship and each other like a significant other.
which i felt like, omg maybe that was what really happened.
which is weird and sad, cuz its not supposed to feel that way.

of course it is a time bomb that is about to explode.

the only thing now is, i am the one who is still living in my own world.

nevertheless, the question is, what do i do from here? where do i go?

jehanne said to start living and just be happy and comfortable being alone.
that was what i was like when i was closed up. OMG.

oh well, but the fact remains that knowing people loves you and is always there for you makes it easier to get on with life. does it not?

i dont want to be stuck here.
i hate this feeling. like HATE.

there is no way i can like this feeling. its weird because it has been approx 6 years since i last felt this way. it is not natural man.

Nevertheless, i trust in God.
i confess and i believe that i will get attached in the next 3 months.
i confess and i believe that i will get attached in the next 3 months.
i confess and i believe that i will get attached in the next 3 months.

the comfort in writing again after 3 years is probably knowing the only person who sees this is me.
i feel like a school girl once again. oh well.

Posted on 2013.10.31 at 16:27
Being stronger, picking yourself up, relying on yourself more, being more independent.

thats the process of growing up, my process.

proud to still be standing strong today.

Posted on 2013.03.14 at 14:48
never realised it has been more than a year, and yet i still have not gotten over you

what in the world is happening to me.

saturday night

Posted on 2012.07.15 at 05:25
I've been out the entire day, talking to endless people. But yet, in my heart, there is still this empty feeling. Still feel so lonely, still kinda miss you d. What an indescribable feeling.
Sometimes I think to myself, if only things will work out, even though deep deep deep down inside, I know it's impossible.
I cannot comprehend if this emotion I feel or the fact I know runs deeper into me.
Mind over brain. Brain over heart. Mind over emotions.


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that heavy feelng

Posted on 2012.06.29 at 08:44
i guess i never really expect this feeling to stick around for days.
doesnt ignoring its existence make it go away?
unfortunately it doesnt.
the heavy feeling i feel, it is like a burden weighing on me. so heavy.
i thought i loved, but maybe all i did was lusted.
if i genuinely loved, then maybe i wont expect to get reciprocation.
the fact that i wanted to feel like im important the way people are to me makes me think, maybe then its lust.
since well, lust is the desire to benefit self at the expense of others.

i never ever thought i will ever have to pray, God teach me how to love my friends.
i genuinely thought i have learnt to love, to love like a shepherd, to love like a family, to love like a good friend, to love people around me. well, it seems like i have to learn everything all over again.

if i dont feel so unloved and left alone now, would i really have felt this way?
i guess this is one of those few moments i really hate being alone.
im generally a person who enjoys solitude, but recently the feeling of being alone, especially every single night gets a little overwhelming. its impossible to tell why i feel this way. what i can truly say is that it makes me afraid of the nights. the moment it reaches 1am and the world is asleep, i start wondering when will morning arrive.

i forgot when was the last time i felt so unloved, so taken for granted and so unimportant. but these feelings overwhelm me and my brain seem to only find more evidence to prove that this statement is positive more than anything. did i miss out the other side of the story?
its like, do something wrong: bear the consequences. do something right: no reward.
but i guess thats because there are no repercussions as well, and we are all expected to do the right thing.

what a warped mind my brain has become, and yet i seem incapable of solving these issues within me.

all i can say is, truly people will disappoint me, but God never will.
He shows up at night when i pray, when i feel most lonely, to fill up that empty spot.

what a feeling! oh goodness me. please let this be over soon or let me breakthrough from it. do i really have to close myself up again just for me never to feel this way?


Posted on 2012.06.21 at 00:42
keep thinking about finding someone else and settling down.
i dont want to be alone till dont know when.
i know i need to have faith. its just a little hard going now.
pray....

Posted on 2012.05.11 at 03:39
There are certain nights I don't dare to sleep.
The moment I have nothing on my mind, and I start daydreaming on my bed, I start thinking about things I shouldn't. Like you. During those times, I really feel like screaming, oh God help me! Its that hard, yes, to not think so much. Tonight's one of those nights.


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last examination

Posted on 2012.05.08 at 00:29
studying for examinations can be so tough so tough so tough.
its really boring just counting down the days.
i cant wait for 23rd may to come and throw all these junk out of my room.

i can do it!

being petty

Posted on 2012.04.13 at 22:56
It may not be a big thing, or maybe it was never your intention. But maybe, what you didn't know is I really felt very unwanted. To say I'm abandoned is way too serious. But to feel unwanted and that I don't belong anywhere, now that kinda sucks. Well, basically, its feeling like you're garbage and you have to fit in somewhere.
Hate this feeling, and hate having to always be the first one to step out to talk. I don't even know if its about pride or is it about my dignity anymore.


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Posted on 2012.03.27 at 01:58
so glad that spring is finally here.
it has been a long long long wilderness.
He has been faithful.

there are issues in me to be ironed out, but i know as long as im connected, i can be changed.

i stand in awe, so amazed
totally changed by Your presence forever.
Everytime i look into Your eyes,
I see a glimpse of what i always wanted to be.
Let me be changed.
Let me be changed in Your presence.


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