Believe in yourself.

There are certain nights I don't dare to sleep.
The moment I have nothing on my mind, and I start daydreaming on my bed, I start thinking about things I shouldn't. Like you. During those times, I really feel like screaming, oh God help me! Its that hard, yes, to not think so much. Tonight's one of those nights.

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studying for examinations can be so tough so tough so tough.
its really boring just counting down the days.
i cant wait for 23rd may to come and throw all these junk out of my room.

i can do it!

It may not be a big thing, or maybe it was never your intention. But maybe, what you didn't know is I really felt very unwanted. To say I'm abandoned is way too serious. But to feel unwanted and that I don't belong anywhere, now that kinda sucks. Well, basically, its feeling like you're garbage and you have to fit in somewhere.
Hate this feeling, and hate having to always be the first one to step out to talk. I don't even know if its about pride or is it about my dignity anymore.

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so glad that spring is finally here.
it has been a long long long wilderness.
He has been faithful.

there are issues in me to be ironed out, but i know as long as im connected, i can be changed.

i stand in awe, so amazed
totally changed by Your presence forever.
Everytime i look into Your eyes,
I see a glimpse of what i always wanted to be.
Let me be changed.
Let me be changed in Your presence.

I hate feeling insecure. Don't everyone hate that dreadful feeling?
Just wondering what do people do when they feel insecure.
Do they retreat, or do they press in further?
Of course its my natural self to retreat.
But somehow, I cannot understand why am I still pressing in further despite the insecurities.
It makes me wonder, have I changed? What changed me to be this way?
The fear of someone else abandoning me leads me to abandon most people.
But now, it feels like I don't want to be abandoned, and I cannot bear to abandon this person, because I know you will be a good friend.
It gets me wondering, what gives me the courage to press in more?
Could it be due to the fact I genuinely feel loved by this group of people?
Its interesting how He works.
He sets me in places where people need to learn what I learnt previously, and where I need to learn what people have learnt before.
Killing the feeling of retreating just because I don't feel needed, or wanted anymore.
Insecurity, the battle everyone has to fight.

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i really hate the feeling that overwhelms you and tell you that you're never gonna be good enough.
but thank God, even though we're never ever gonna be good, He still love us and He still set us apart.
it doesnt mean i dont hate the feeling.
i detest having that feeling and knowing that no matter how hard you try, there is always going to be that gap.
i tried so hard so hard so hard.
i forgot when was the previous time i tried so hard without even forcing myself to.
i know everyone around sees the effort, but sometimes trying hard doesnt guarantee success.
sometimes, the harder you try, the higher the expectations, the greater the fall.
what makes it worse? not bothering to stand up after you fall or not knowing how to even stand up?

falling down, standing up. falling down, standing up. thats how life goes.
im never gonna get knocked down forever.
that's the power of resilience.

i only have to ask myself one question:
is it out of convenience or is it out of commitment?

Gonna keep holding on, believing i will go to the next level.

It's weird how my sister and I are actually talking about my spiritual life when I was drying my hair and she was washing her clothes in us.
She encouraged me to change cg and I was so shocked because it's exactly what I had in mind for the longest time.
True friends are hard to find, but I guess I can truly say nothing will be more Precious and important than my sPiritual growth.
I really need an answer from above. I don't even think about ministry anymore, I'm just concerned about my own spiritual growth.
But if He doesn't speak, I won't go anywhere.
Determined to set my sPiritual life straight right after USA.

Sitting at a hotel in disneyland, and suddenly a lot of thoughts came running through.
I can never believe that one day I will grow to hate the person in the mirror. Have I want to take control so much that I forgot to let you take control? I'm making a mess out of my whole life without any way to salvage it.
I really got to start setting my life straight once again.
I'm feeling really discouraged but I won't give up.

It feels like in these 2 weeks, He reallyshowed me the reason why I failed the test. It's just that this time round, I'm getting too weary to try again. I let myself fade away and gave up on my own vision. I don know how to begin again, but let's just say I shall start to coming back to YOu. I know You're calling me back, and I will answer Your call.

im going to US in a few days time!
till the end of february.
im going to try again once im back to reality.
can i just relax and indulge in this comfort for a few more days?
i wont give up, i wont let You down.

i see so much weakness as i look into the mirror.
but somehow, i manage to feel confident everytime i walk out.
sometimes i feel, who is that confident person staring back at me?
thats when i realised, it cannot be me.
the source of my confidence can never be in my strengths, but in the knowledge of Your love for me.